I have been admiring, and inspired by many people recently, especially women that have achieved things that I would love to achieve, but that seem impossible for me to achieve. I am self-conscious, I doubt myself, and probably I feel more confident when I perform “bad” (according to myself) than when I do well… maybe because I can’t accept that I do well too, so I never pat myself in the back, not even when I do a good job.
It is so easy to recognize the efforts of others but not mine. I feel like everyone does a better work than me, everyone says things better than me, everyone explains things better than me, everyone has better opinions than me… So, it makes sense that everyone achieves those things that I can’t dream, because they are better.
Although I think that not everything lies in people’s capability, intelligence, or effort, on the other hand, many times people that succeed may be taking advantage of some of their skills, for example, being good at communicating their ideas, being good at expressing themselves, or being extroverted, or being social. I am guilty of not being the best at these things because I like thinking inward, to myself, to analyze, to let my brain process things and make connections, and notice other’s opinions, and then make new conclusions. I let myself explore those other thoughts and ideas, and I end up with more questions than answers. Perhaps this is the reason of me not being sure of what to say, or if I should talk at all because if I am not sure of what I am saying, and if I have questions what would be my contribution to the conversation?
I have been celebrating the successes of others, and I am so happy for witnessing that, and I also feel so far from being in a position like that. I always minimize my contributions, and when I say something, I immediately think that I could have said it better, and that I only said 1% of what I thought. I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking, what if other people are waiting for me to shut up? What if I talk too much? I always think about this, so I end up not talking, or just saying one word, but my mind has the remaining 99%. In my mind I have the real conversation, but I do not want to be loud, I don’t want to take space, I want to hear from others.
I think my humility here in the US might be seen as a weakness, or a lack of something. But I need more time to process things, ideas, concepts because I want to have a broad idea of something before I take a stand. Perhaps I am a slow at processing things, but that is just how my brain works and that does not bother me, even though it might not be as socially accepted as other type of personalities/learning styles.
To be continued…