So this is how depression feels like

It’s been a week already. At first I thought it was jetlag, after my vacation. Then I thought it might be covid, then pregnancy. I could be thinking of more and more explanations but so far it feels like depression. I couldn’t get up from my bed one day, I did not brush my teeth, I did not get a shower, I felt sick and blue. I still did some school reading, but I did everything slow. I didn’t get hungry but I ate a little. My body hurt.

Some days started better than others, looked promising, but they ended up the same. Me in tears. I have no reasons to be sad, I just am. I don’t even feel the stress anymore, I feel a bit numb, I just wanna cry. Like the day I fell asleep after crying. I didn’t know how to stop so I tried to interrupt the episode by playing a video. It worked so I could sleep.

It seems like every time I have a low point, it is lower than the last one. I’m afraid to be getting worse. My mental health struggle started as anxiety and it looked like I conquered it after my therapy treatment. But depression is new for me. I wish I wasn’t talking about my depression. My amazing vacation just went down the toilet because depression took over. I don’t want that. I want to write about my ups too. They are great. I remember when I used to write a lot about happy things. I was a child, I guess that plays a part. I didn’t have major responsibilities, nor worries. But my transition into adulthood hasn’t been easy. I guess that’s normal, I just suck at growing.

I’m writing this at the gym. I felt like crying but I didn’t want to leave the equipment for a long period. I texted my friends but I don’t want to poison their Sunday fun. So I’m here writing for myself, talking to myself. I can hear my voice at writing. I like it, I am good at telling stories in my head. I could make a good narrator voice.

I would like to get out of this negativity loop. I want to have happy thoughts and motivation to do things. I swear that I am a happy and positive person, and that I put my greatest effort to not let myself fall deep, but depression (if this is it), is not easy. Come on brain, do your job, work properly, I don’t want to use medication, please cooperate with me, we should be a team. I take care of you and you take care of me. I’m doing my best, I hope you are too🤞.

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