I have set up the goal to write weekly so here I am, looking for ideas or what to say. I’m currently on vacation from school and I’ve been feeling a little anxious, but I don’t know why. It looks like my mind likes wandering and worrying in it’s free time, and right now it has plenty. But I actually have no valid reasons to worry. Everything has been working out perfectly, and I cannot do anything other than being grateful.
I will finally be able to leave a job I’ve been wanting to leave for a while. I received a raise in my school job so that means I’ll have almost the same pay as the job I’m leaving and that gives me more financial relief. However, I am currently broke because I went to visit my family in Mexico and I spent some money that I cannot use anymore, so I’ll have to wait to recover and go out again. I like going out, getting myself ready, feeling pretty, and I don’t get myself ready the same way if I don’t go out, so I haven’t felt pretty in a couple weeks. I don’t know if I’m wrong, maybe I shouldn’t wait to get myself to feel pretty only when I go out. I should wear my self-confidence more often, it would be helpful. Do other people feel the same way? So pressured to look pretty in order to accept yourself and love yourself? Anyway I think we shouldn’t. We do not need to be pretty for anything. It’s not a survival skill. I hate to know it’s important in today’s society, or at least the society I live in and are part of. And I hate to know I’m persuaded by the need of approval.
I have so much free time that my brains goes all crazy and excited that it wants to do many things at the same time, so I end up doing a little bit of many things during the day but I don’t finish anything. I don’t know if it’s due to my self-diagnosed ADHD brain or if it’s normal to jump from one task to another and to not accomplish anything. But, thinking about it, who actually said I should accomplish things on my free time? I think I’m entitled to waste my time however I want and I shouldn’t feel guilty. I hate to say this but I think capitalism is a curse that don’t let us be free and unproductive without feeling guilt. I need to embrace my unproductiveness, I don’t need to buy anything, I don’t need to prove anyone anything, so I will do what I want -on vacation, of course-. I still need to prove many people my worth in the academic and professional field so at least on vacation I don’t.
I don’t know why I have insomnia again, I should be sleeping. But hey at least I’m writing my first post of the year! I hope this is a good year, and that I can be a better person, and that I can spend time with my family and friends, and that my boyfriend gets the internship, and that we can travel to new places, and that I learn a lot. I wish all the good stuff for everyone, we are surviving a pandemic, we need more pleasant experiences in our lives. Good luck and have a good year.