I’ve been having insomnia for probably two weeks now. It’s stress. I am studying undergrad, and since I am an adult student pursuing my second career, I take school seriously. I want to destress, so I was searching for some blog that made me feel better, but I was just finding stuff that said something like, “learning to be stressed and productive,” “how to be productive while stressed.” Dude, I can’t stop thinking, who the hell wants to be productive, stress means tiredness, burnout, overproductiveness… I hate that capitalism is embedded everywhere, the system bombards with information to make you feel that there’s something wrong with you for being tired, I hate it.
I don’t wanna be productive, I wanna be stress-free, I want vacation, I don’t want to do shit, I deserve it, I work hard. But living in the US is probably the opposite, doing a lot, resting a little (or none). I go to school, have 2 jobs, work 7 days a week. I’ve been doing that for 2 years but I’m done, I will rearrange some things and I will work only 1. Mental health matters, and matters more than a job. I feel trapped between wanting to contribute and help society with mental health matters, while wanting to do nothing and just work in whatever that gives me money. But, unfortunately I’m not like that. I like using my skills, my mind, and help people. So I will become a psychologist. That’s why I’m working hard.
I’ve been feeling so consumed by school that I haven’t had time for myself. Ive had time for friends and family and boyfriend, but not for myself. I need to cry, I am too overwhelmed, I need peace, and silence, and rest. Even my professors push us to the limits of productivity, so I am done, tired, I’ve done my best for a constant long time and I could push one more week, but I don’t want to. I don’t know if I am sabotaging myself at the very last minute, before achieving “success” or arriving at “the goal,” but I just don’t care right now. I want to be mentally prepared for my vacation, I want to enjoy it, I want to be physically and mentally prepared to spend time and enjoy the time with my family, they are important.
So for destress I don’t know what to do. I hope those two weeks help. I want to forget I’m a slave of an overworking and underpaying system. I’m glad I’ve stopped buying unconsciously things I don’t need. I was becoming “American,” someone who wanted to fill the gaps of their psychological issues with stuff, instead of therapy. I hate how people are manipulated into buying and having more and more and they don’t see. We don’t need much, only a roof over our heads, food, and emotional support, that’s all isn’t it? Well, every other trip wouldn’t hurt, but that’s all, we don’t need expensive clothes, bug wardrobe, fancy phones, fancy cars, we don’t need any of that. We can be alright by having only the basics. I’ve learned to like the basic stuff, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a “style,” or that I am boring, we just need to use our creativity. And since creativity probably comes from our minds wandering… I guess it is hard to be creative when you don’t even have time to think. That’s the reason I don’t buy anymore, I want to have time to think, and for myself. I don’t want to give billionaires my money, they don’t need that much money either.
It’s been an hour of insomnia so far, but at least I got to write again, after this long time. I guess I hadn’t had time for myself. This is my time, I’m talking to myself. I needed it. I was kinda disconnected from myself, like in automatic mode, not really aware. I feel more sync now, I hope I can get back to sleep.